Why are we time in a relationship and what does this lead to?

As you know, everyone lies. Someone is better, someone is worse. What to do with skeletons in a closet – to store them or to mercilessly remove them into the light? Lena Babitskaya weighs the pros and cons

It’s not that I’m a pathological liar. It’s just that I have some kind of selective lie – for example, I never fool my friends, and if I try to lie for the good, I immediately blush treacherously. But in relationships I am a virtuoso of lies. Except for one case.

For four years I met with the ideal Egor: he did not scandal, he understood everything, he was not jealous, he did not lose patience, he gave flowers regularly, fulfilled every desire and did not forget about the dates and details. And still did not know how to make strong-willed male decisions. He was good and … boring.

After the magistracy we went to travel in a big company, where I fell in love with his friend Vlad. Despite the male friendship, he began to look after me – right on the journey, not hiding from Yegor. When we returned to Kiev, Vlad began to schedule appointments for me. It so happened that I was just looking for a new home that we originally planned to rent with Egor, but he was in no hurry to take the initiative.

In the end, Vlad invited me to stay with him – temporarily, as a friend. We both knew that this was a lie and that our neighborhood would not limit ourselves to shared breakfasts. Most of all my friends were amused by the fact that Yegor himself brought me to Vlad, and then my things. And yes, I told him that Vlad and I are friends. But it seemed that this did not bother him at all. We continued to meet for almost a year before we parted. He never suspected me of treason.

It would seem that such cases are usually said: “If you managed to deceive a person, this does not mean that he is a fool. They just trusted you more than you deserve. ” But now it seems to me that it was a matter of self-deception, and not of trust in me. I think Yegor was just pained to admit that our relationship did not become ideal. Such a defensive reaction.

Why are we fooling ourselves? Olga Kornienko, candidate of psychological sciences, practicing psychologist and leader of training groups, comments: “Often we ourselves do not recognize the truth, we don’t want to clarify it. Then she goes into the shadow – that part of our personality that is not realized, but instinctively affects our emotions, choices, reactions. This is the part that is denied by our keen internal “critic” who knows what is “right” to be, especially for a particular person or group of people. Hence the name “shadow side of our personality.” Through accepting it in itself, recognition of its existence, the ability to express it, it becomes conscious and possible to present. To do this, we need to agree with our “critic”, the “social mask” that we wear for others and for ourselves, with the concepts of “good and bad”, “right and wrong”, “beautiful and ugly”.

The second thing that can stop is the fear of breaking up a relationship. Many people prefer not to devote another to the truth about themselves, as they fear the consequences. Do not rush to fantasize that another person will not accept you with your “bad” trait, story or preference. A sincere desire to be together influences your acceptance of others. ”

When we do not recognize the truth before us, it goes into the shadows – that part of the personality that is not recognized

Why didn’t I break up with Yegor as soon as I met Vlad? I considered my boyfriend a person whom I love, invaluable for relationships, and refused to admit to myself: it’s very boring with him. In addition, it was never difficult for me to lie to men. Mom says this is a kind of revenge on dad for his behavior. In fact, it was so convenient for me.

The boomerang law did not slow down: my friend Arina fell in love with Yegor, and they began to communicate. Secretly from me. And once a skeleton from their closet fell out – I saw on Facebook photos from their wedding. It was very painful. Then I learned that one of the most unpleasant feelings associated with a lie is when your loved one tries to prove that he is not lying, but you feel that he is lying even now. I could forgive Anya only a few years later when I met my future husband.

“A lie is most often based on two feelings: fear and shame. Fear of losing relationships, lifestyle, status, respect. And shame to present some side of yourself, ”explains Olga Kornienko. – The habit of lying can begin to form in childhood, when the child really wants something, and his parents do not allow him to. In this case, he is looking for ways to get what he wants, avoiding the ban and punishment of his parents. And here is born not only the pursuit of goals, but also excitement, cunning, adrenaline. In addition, in a lie there is also a secret that excites. Especially if you share it with someone.

Lying in adulthood is also the result of personality splitting. Shame prevents us from opening up. Some of my traits are unacceptable, disgusting for another: he will not accept me with this. The level of shame depends on how much you yourself recognize the right to be so, regardless of other people’s opinions.

Only by recognizing all our sides, roles, desires as normal and having the right to life, we can take a chance to tell others about them, ”says Olga.

It was not so easy with her husband either. When on the first date he asked where I live, I lied: I said that I had a friend (then I still lived with Vlad). And for the first time I felt almost physical pain from a lie. Something in me has changed. I thought: upon learning that I live with a guy, Sasha will no longer call. I confessed everything myself – after he suggested that I live together.

I knew I was taking a risk, but suddenly I realized that I could not start our relationship with deception. There was no quarrel – instead of her there was a long silence, which turned out to be worse than the scandal. I tried to explain the reasons for my act, but saw that I had lost Sasha’s confidence. He forgave me, although he retreated for a very long time, and during quarrels he kept recalling my deception. That was my pay. Despite the consequences, every skeleton in my closet suddenly stirred and made itself felt. And I could not stop. For the first time in my life I told a man everything about me: about a terrible attitude towards other guys, about weaknesses, resentments and envy of someone else’s success, about complexes because of a small chest and tiny lips, about an enduring fear of my father, about addiction to alcohol and drugs, about sexual preferences, about which she was silent, “because I am ashamed.” I was not afraid to reveal his soul to him and show that not only winged unicorns live in it, but also ugly secrets. It is ironic that after this Sasha did not see a stranger in me and did not decide that we were not on the way — he became even closer.

Within one day, they can lie to you from ten to two hundred times. To strangers we time more often than to colleagues.

And most importantly: gradually, with his care and support, he fed my inner demons, lured them out and did not allow them to return. Only daring to confess my unpleasant secrets and finding out that they love me just like that, no matter what, I became the one I always wanted to seem.

“Yes, somewhere inside each of us lives a childhood desire for unconditional love and acceptance for others. We really want to believe that we will always be accepted. But the other also has its own borders with which we meet. It is also important to notice your boundaries and the boundaries of another person. If it’s unbearable for you to be like that with me, you and I don’t converge in this place. And can we continue our relationship in this regard? If so, let’s agree on what format, so that you and I feel good in them. And yes, the relationship may disappear if the secret comes true, but it can also go to a new level – to gain something very important, which has not yet happened.
Here one should answer the question: are these relations really so important for me if I cannot show myself in some way?

The price of lying in close relationships is trust and the consequences of losing it; tension and secrecy, lack of spontaneity in some areas of life; the inability to share the joy of accepting oneself by others, as well as sharing with him their desires, pleasures, which lie in this shadowy side of the “I”. We need to weigh the pros and cons of such a relationship. Take risks and appear, meet with fear and shame, in order to be able to just be yourself with another, ”comments Olga Kornienko.

Recently I heard from Alena’s colleague: “What to do with the skeletons in the closet? Why do anything with them? They lie to themselves – and let them lie. ” Maybe she’s really right? After all, one way or another they lie. On the TED portal there is a presentation by Pamela Meyer, author of the book How to Recognize Falsehood. In particular, she says: “In just one day, according to research, they can lie to you from about ten to two hundred times. To strangers we time more often than to colleagues. Extroverts lie more often than introverts. Men lie about themselves eight times more often than about anyone else. And women use lies as a tool when they need to protect someone. If you are an average married couple, then you will deceive each other once out of ten. If you are not married, this figure increases to three out of ten. ” Lying is an integral part of life – both yours and mine, and that guy. How to determine the line, after which the harmless embellishment ends and you enter the dangerous territory?

When the heroine Nicole Kidman in the series “Big Little Lies” first comes to a psychologist without her husband, she asks her direct questions about violence in their family and her fear, and Kidman categorically denies everything, tearfully listing the qualities that she values ​​in her husband. So she tries to avoid the sudden shame and truth that she was hiding from herself. At this moment you understand: self-deception is one of the most terrible types of lies.

Another hero of the same series claimed that all couples pretend to be, even the happiest. Is it so? A friend of mine adds: “Only those families in which partners lie to each other can be happy and strong.” His philosophy is simple: you can save a marriage for many years if you only tell your partner something that can bring joy to your life together. Everything that cloudes the relationship is away. This also applies to the truth, which my interlocutor carefully hides and does not even give out in metered portions. He and his wife have two children, and their marriage lasts more than fifteen years. And both spouses are really happy. Agree, there is reason for reflection. But it seems to me that this requires two prerequisites: lack of conscience in one and curiosity in the second.

I recently read a similar thought in Tamriko Sholi’s book “Inside a Man”. One of the heroes with whom the author spoke tells how he loves his wife and at the same time cheats on her. But remorse does not oppress him. He admits that he thought for a long time about why he needed to sleep with other women, and realized: this is his nature, which cannot be redone. So simple. Out of hundreds of cheating, his wife accidentally found out about one, but even the fear of losing her kept him from accidental relationships for only a year. Maybe some people are simply unable to love someone other than themselves?

“Of course, I will lie to them if they refuse to understand me!” – admits my cousin Anya, who secretly from her parents controlling her around the clock, filled two tattoos, tried to smoke and had sex. Probably, when you feel that your desires are respected, and they love you without any conditions, you will not want to act contrary to and contrary to.

I wonder if the number of skeletons falling out of the closet depends on how honest we are with others. Or is this factor in no way related to our attitude towards people? Perhaps we need to become those with whom we want to be extremely honest – able to understand a loved one in any situation, not try to get into his personal space, not give unsolicited advice, not criticize his choice – and then we will protect ourselves from us lied I do not know. It seems to me that in every relationship at least once your loved one will do what he wants to hide from you. Not because it does not respect, does not value you and does not value your relationships, but out of fear of losing your feelings and trust. That is why we are endowed with the talent to forgive. Those who have mastered it are the happiest people in the world.

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