Where and how to find friends? Friendship Psychology
Psychologists deal a lot with relationships between children and parents, wives and husbands, brothers and sisters. But there is another very important, but for some reason not very studied area in our life — friendship. How does it all work? Where to find friends and girlfriends? How to make a friend become a friend for a person? Read about it below.
How do you become friends?
Remember: where did you meet the closest friends and girlfriends? Most of the answers will be this: in courses, at school, in college, at work. Because with these people we:
1. Developed together. We studied something new, found ourselves in unusual situations, together grew up physically or psychologically. That is, we changed in the same direction, together we got life experience.
2. Met regularly. We were forced to find ourselves at the same time in the same place. These meetings were organized, as it were, “from above” — by a school or institute.
3. Had common interests. You didn’t just end up with these people in the same place with enviable regularity! You were where you were interested, and you did what seemed important. In these places there were not just people, but specially selected ones — those who were interested in the same thing as you, with whom there was something to talk about. These three simple components, according to the psychology of relations, are the foundation for friendship. Want to make new friends? Go where you are interested. And do not go down once, but fit into a whole course of classes. Otherwise it will not work.
Where to find friends?
Many sadly note that the older you get, the more difficult it is to make friendships: old friends disappear somewhere, but it is not easy to get close to new ones. But this is not because people start a family and therefore they no longer need anyone. Quite the opposite: adults are in great need of friendships. And no family can be psychologically healthy if it is closed.
The reasons are different:
1. We are becoming more discriminating.
A child or teenager has not yet formed as a person. Psychologists are convinced that until 28 years (or even longer) we do not know who we are and what we want from life. And when we understand this, we can no longer be friends with everyone. Now we need people with similar values and outlooks on life. Just a shared experience is not enough. Now it is necessary that we draw similar conclusions from this experience.
2. No one organizes meetings.
Previously, regular meetings with people were provided by someone “from above” — a school, an institute. So we are used to the fact that people come from somewhere. But the situation has changed, and no one else gives us friends. The only exception is work. And here there is a focus …
Here we work together and seem to be friends. And then one of you changes your job, you agree not to lose touch, but for some reason the friendship ends. It seems everyone wanted to, but somehow parted. The answer to this phenomenon was found by Jen Yager. She studied friendship and found this: we do not translate relations from friendship to friendship. Do you know how to do this? It is enough to be at least three times with this person in an environment other than work. And that’s it! That is, take the person you like and invite to the exhibition, to a new cafe and to yoga classes. A new level has been reached! Often adults are lonely precisely because they are still waiting for friends to be delivered. And this will not happen in adulthood, it’s time for ourselves to do what will provide us with friendly communication.
What is friendship?
Researchers distinguish three types of friends:
1. Friends in grief are people who provide excellent support in difficult situations. (I hope you know that you cannot throw yourself alone in grief? Only to people, no loneliness, please!) They will listen, help, prompt, accept your sadness or anger. But they can hardly stand the joy. If something good happened to you, then they will either find a negative in it, or they will not be able to share your enthusiasm.
2. Friends in joy are the opposite type. They are fun, easy, active, able to have fun and have fun. But they can’t stand the negative feelings. If you share with them what is bothering you, they can brush aside, devalue your experiences with something like “forget it, nonsense.” Of course, such a reaction can be painful.
3.Friends, both in grief and joy, are rare people.
Those who will accept you whole. They are able to support when it is bad, and indulge together, enjoy life. They themselves are whole, and the friendship with them is the same. It seems to me that there are a bit more types of friends.
For example, there may be “friends on work issues” — those colleagues with whom you may not work together, but they brew in the same sphere. Who can understand the difficulties of your work, if not them?
There may be «sports friends.» They will not only be able to share experience, go for a run, training or competition, but they will do it with pleasure. Or perhaps you have “friends in spiritual growth”, in “interest in painting”, in “female rituals,” etc.
Maybe you look at all other areas of life in completely different ways, but specifically in this they are you will understand. In general, there are many types of friends. Problems begin when we expect from a friend that he cannot give.
Often we want that in one person all possible advantages are combined, that he shares your every interest and has a similar point of view on everything. But this does not happen. It happens that there are closest friends, and there are those who complement them. So we make communication with people full. We can be seriously injured, expecting from a friend that which he is not ready for. And we can contact the right address. Do not throw yourself in a puddle of loneliness! Make new friends (of course, not forgetting the old ones) and don’t think that “we are already too old and nobody needs anyone”. Everyone needs everything, I’m telling you as a psychologist. So be friends and be “friends”!