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Parting is the strongest emotional experience that each of us has to go through. Often this happens unexpectedly and is perceived as a stab in the back. Sometimes this is a worthy result of egoism, inability and unwillingness to build relationships. How to break up right?

There are no painless partings. Someone in this story suffers more. And sometimes the only way out is to remain friends. And here it is necessary to think — what is it? Decent exit for the strong and smart or an illusory hope for something? Does this really help or just continue the torture?

HOW TO SPREAD CORRECTLY — SO TO STAY FRIENDS?

With such a question, they come to the closest girlfriend / friend, and to the psychologist. Such questions are asked in forums and discussed at gestalt meetings with a topic about emotional dependence. In this matter, it seems as if the statement of further friendship already sounds, it is only a matter of performance technique. Let’s ask in a different way: what is friendship? One way or another, friendship between a man and a woman is definitely included in love. When one of the partners offers to remain friends, there are several reasons for this.

1.You parted in vain.

Perhaps a long accumulated mutual discontent and irritation. Without showing the initiative in the conversation, one of you wracked up your problems so much that you recognized the only right way out. It happens that during a conversation everything falls into place, “steam comes out”, an explanation happens and everything ends well. Yes, this is rare.

2. YOU ARE NOT THE GAP INITIATOR

You are in pain and are very scared, you were absolutely not ready for such a result of events. At the moment, you are ready for anything, just to maintain hope for the restoration of relations. This is called psychological masochism. Believe me, soon this situation will devastate you. And consent to friendship will result in powerful aggression on the former partner. It is precisely because he agreed to be friends with you. This whole story most often leads to depression. It must be worked out with a specialist.

3. YOU ARE THE INITIATOR OF PARTNING

And again you are scared. Are you afraid of scandal or possible aggression. Or the relationship was toxic from the start, and you are the victim. Or are you just afraid to offend. And then you decide to “soften the blow” and secure the conversation. So, honest parting does not mean «staying friends.» Honestly — this is not always easy and soft. But then there will be no problems due to the fact that “friendship” does not work at all.

WHEN TO BE FRIENDLY?

Firstly, in a situation where there are common children, you have to compromise. You will need to communicate, you are no longer husband and wife, but you are forever dad and mom. Be kind, learn to communicate kindly for the sake of the child, even if you did not have this skill in a relationship. And perhaps this will be the beginning of another, happier life. Secondly, this is a situation when you are connected by a common cause, business partnership, joint projects. Perhaps on the basis of sincere mutual understanding and close communication, an intimate relationship has happened between you. But you do not need from each other anything but friendly and partner communication. In this case, parting under the heading “Let’s be friends” will be mutual relief.

HOW TO RESPOND AND NOT TO SUFFER?

If you have received a “tempting” offer to remain friends, and you are tearing apart from pain and resentment, take a break. Protect yourself completely from talking with your former partner. There will be a sharp pain, you look at everything differently, including the proposed “friendship”. If you plan to offer to remain friends, honestly think about why you need it. Save partner «in reserve»? Do not offend? Work on relationships was necessary in a relationship. The most honest and open thing you can do after breaking up is to strive to ensure that the former partner does not cause any more emotions. And friendship has nothing to do with it.

SCIENTIFIC BASIS

Anthropologist Helen Fisher: “It is impossible to remain friends immediately after the end of the relationship.” She confirms her statement by experiment. Under the control of MRI, subjects examined photographs of strangers and their former partners with whom they had recently experienced a break. The brain response was similar to the reaction of people with drug / alcohol addiction after abstinence. Roy Baumeiter, psychologist: «The offer of friendship is only at hand for those who initiated the breakup.» Such a “generous” step removes feelings of guilt, but in fact is not a guarantee of sincere communication. Former partners in most cases do not seek to support and help each other.

AND THIS WILL PASS.

You are not going to have the easiest period, especially if the breakup was not your initiative. No matter how dry it sounds, remember that this period is sure to end. You will survive it. First of all, you must admit to yourself: “This relationship has ended. With this person nothing more connects us. ” Live as much as you need. Cry if you want to cry, stay at home for a while, if necessary, but remember: this is temporary. Gradually begin to think more about yourself. Now is the time to revise your interests and plans. What do you like, what did you dream about, what did you want to do, but did not have enough time? Look for joyful moments, do what pleases you. By doing this, you help yourself begin to live anew. And most importantly — do not lose faith in people, because there is much more good around.

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